Baby Cravings

    Calm down people. I have not turned into some cannibalistic baby eater. I’m talking about the good old biological clock. P.S. Mine, not ticking. I am firmly convinced that its battery is either dead or non existent. In actuality, I believe the more exposure to children I experience the more allergic I become. Occasionally I have what I like to call “moments of insanity” where I have the urge to procreate. Again, calm down they never last long. These fleeting moments are typically caused by such things as wonderfully staged nursery displays in Target or watching a man hold his toddlers hand as they cross the street. My mother lives for these moments, as she holds onto thin strands of hope that someday I will give her a grandchild. A fact that, she reminds me constantly, will require me to actually HAVE a child. I am convinced there is an easier way. I am also aware that at some point I will be subjected to the preposterous idea that is pregnancy.

    Think about this. No alcohol and no sashimi combined with ridiculously out of whack hormones. Also, a nugget that I have recently been enlightened with, my feet will GROW at least a half a size in 9 months. For those of you who are not intimately aware of the fact that I have a serious shoe obsession, this is NOT acceptable. Could you just imagine, all of those fabulous ALDO shoes in my closet...no longer the correct size?! I die. I don’t care if I end up with canckles, I WILL wear heels up to my due date. I will walk my awkward pregnant ass into the delivery room in the highest heels I can stuff my elephant feet into. It’s my God given right as a woman to wear high heels at all times. I digress. So, my other concerns are also valid. Women, mothers I should say, have a terrifying habit of sharing the most horrible parts of pregnancy with people, unsolicited mind you. Such as, “OMG! Honey, take the stool softeners they give you because your first BM after the baby is painful.” Thank you for that. I also have had the honor of working as a tech in labor and delivery. I spent countless nights assisting surgeons while they sewed up women’s mutilated “cash & prizes.” Anyone else want to sign up yet? Didn’t think so.

    For the moment being I will take my pill religiously and avoid sperm on the regular. I have no desire to preform the other shenanigans I have to endure during his deployments whilst I am humongous with child. Honestly, if you think about it they are parasites. Not even symbiotic relationship type of parasites. The little bastards suck the life out of you as they grow. Then, they come out and only increase their consuming power with the added bonus of you wiping their asses on a regular basis. Have we ALL gone insane? Please, someone tell me something other than, “Oh, but there are these wonderful moments when...balh blah blah, and it’s all worth it.” LIARS!